"Steve Reviews The Dark Knight Rises", or, "TDKR = Return Of The Jedi", or "Gotham Police Are Ewoks"

So, for the first time in probably two years, yesterday we went to the cinema. Not my suggestion – the wife’s. Even more amazing, she booked us tickets to go watch The Dark Knight Rises. My wife, the honorary geek. (Credentials later cemented as we watched the film and she saw “that guy who died in Torchwood”, and to a less geeky extent the main prowler guy from Queer As Folk). Yes, the last film in Christopher Nolan’s Batman Trilogy was here. To say I was excited is an understatement. Those of you who follow me on Twitter or Facebook will have seen the regular appearance of #Batgasm. I was excited, but I was being realistic. There was no way they could top its predecessor The Dark Knight. It couldn’t be done. With this frame of mind I felt I wouldn’t be disappointed with the end result, and if they did pull a miracle out the bag it would be all the sweeter. Imagine my surprise when I came out three hours later, answering my wife’s question of “did you enjoy it?” with the answer “I’m not sure”.

Before I get in to this let me say I’m a huge Batman fan, and maybe that’s the problem. Being a fan of these characters, no matter how hard you try to be realistic, you can’t help but have certain expectations. My wife came out and said she loved it! Let me also say that I’m a huge fan of what Nolan has done with Batman. I love Batman Begins. It almost gets swept aside by people saying “yeah well it’s just the origin story, yawn”. Thing is the origin story had never been told on film before. Yes we’d seen hints at Bruce Wayne’s parents getting killed and understood that was the reason for Batman’s existence, but up until this point he was just some rich orphan dude who’d taken a few martial arts lessons and liked running around with gadgets and a cape. We hadn’t seen the real tragedy of Bruce Wayne, the thought that he wanted vengeance for his parents at any cost and was considering murdering his parent’s killer. The years of training, suffering and sacrifice. This was a Batman story.

Everyone knows how good The Dark Knight was, so there's no debate there. The end of that film left an intriguing set up for a potential follow-up – Batman in exile, hunted by the police for crimes he took responsibility for but never actually commited. A lie to protect his less than fair city. Eight years later and the lie is intact but soon to be broken, requiring the return of The Batman. Sounds like a corker doesn't it?  The thing is, as you watch The Dark Knight Rises it doesn’t feel like a Batman film. It’s a film about a city being terrorised by some nutter.Batman is just a piece on the chessboard, and not even the King.

I know I'm coming across really negatively here, but there are things that work. Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne: brilliant as always. He doesn’t really play Batman in this film; rather Bruce Wayne dressed up in the suit. He doesn’t become the animal that we saw in the first and second films. He gets close at the end, but then…..nope, SPOILERS!

Tom Hardy as Bane:  one scary-as-hell mofo (even if he does sound like a cross between Darth Vader and a Smurf) who would kick your ass in three seconds and fire up a barbecue in the next two.

Anne Hathaway as Catwoman: m’eh. I mean I get why she was there, and despite what people say she was a key part of the plot. And I’m pretty sure all the pubescent boys were sat there thinking that for the first time they’d much rather be the Batpod than Batman, and thus leading to many double entendres around the word "Rise"! But be honest, she wasn’t as good as Michelle Pfeiffer. (There’s probably a reason I think this which I will explain soon!)

I love Gary Oldman as Commissioner  Gordon – perfect casting. With Gordon we get to see that Bruce Wayne wasn’t the only one that suffered in the aftermath of the events in the previous film. Riddled with guilt, wife and son gone, and yet he rises above all the chaos.

Alfred Pennyworth was always Bruce Wayne’s grounding - his conscience, the emotional centre of the Batman films. Michael Caine is barely on the screen for more than five minutes, but the emotion he put across in that time is simply heartbreaking.

Morgan Freeman serves his purpose as the Q style Lucius Fox, Marion Cotillard is effective but wasted in her role. And finally Joseph Gordon Levitt is an interesting addition, particularly when you consider what could happen after the last frame of the film.

The story. You know what, I liked the story. Batman comes out of retirement to stop Gotham going to hell. Brilliant. The concept and all of its branches – Bane, League of Shadows, Bruce Wayne going broke etc. – sounds epic and worthy enough of a conclusion to the Batman story that Nolan et’al claimed they wanted to tell. The problem is the translation and execution of the story felt rushed. There were bits where I couldn’t help but think “they could have done so much more with it”. Hathaway’s Selina Kyle is just one example, here’s another. Bruce Wayne bones Maria Cottilards character Miranda Tate, hinting at him having the chance of a normal life which Alfred is so desperate for him to have. But they bone, and that’s it. You don’t get to see any real emotional connection between the two. (Interesting side-note; in the comics Bruce Wayne is technically married to her. There’s a cue for Gods sake!) If this had been done the last few minutes of the film would have had much more of an impact on the characters and the audience. These are just a couple of examples – all hints but nothing more. They gave you the impression that there was so much more to tell about these characters but never followed through. This happened so much in fact that I couldn’t help but think we were watching a kind of Readers Digest version of the film. There was a big story to tell here, with lots of characters and despite the two and three-quarter hour running time it didn’t feel enough. I wanted to see more. This, along with many aspects of the film was a missed opportunity. This final chapter could have been done over two films. We could have had The Dark Knight Falls, where Bane breaks the Bat and chaos in Gotham ensues, and then The Dark Knight Rises, where Bats gets fixed up and returns to save the day. I mean if they can do it for the last two Twi-shite films, why not for Batman??

 

The visual flare of the previous two Bat-films also seemed lacking. Two examples for this: firstly the Breaking Of The Bat. For comic fans this is some serious shit – Bane is the one guy who can take the Batman out. Make no mistake, Bane does break the Bat in the film, but it’s just…m’eh. There’s no gravitas to the shot. I mean we see Bruce Wayne suffer for a little and then before you know it his back his fixed, he does a few press ups and sit ups and then he’s Batman again? No!

Another example: Bats returns to Gotham for another face-off with Bane. He’s announced his return by lighting a fire on a bridge in the shape of a Bat – a makeshift Bat-signal if you will, reminding Bane and his crew it’s not their town. Eventually we come to the rematch, and here was the opportunity for Batman to swoop in from the sky, one last grand entrance. No. Instead he walks in through a bit of smoke, exchanges some (frankly awful) dialogue with Bane, and they go at it. I guess it backs up my thought that it wasn’t ‘Batman’ fighting Bane, it was Bruce Wayne dressed as Batman. But you know what, I wanted him to give the people of Gotham that one last hurrah, reminding them of the awe and majesty of The Batman -  as if to say “Oi bitches, this is my town!”.

I could go on and on. Ultimately TDKR isn’t a bad film. No it’s not as good as The Dark Knight. It’s not as good as Batman Begins either, and thank Jeff it’s not Batman & Robin!. As I came out of the cinema I realised what it was – Return Of The Jedi. Whether that was because the hoards of Gotham police going to war in the final act reminded me of Ewoks, or that Liam Neeson Ra’s Al Ghul appeared to Bruce Wayne in a Force ghost type hallucination, or that, like I said, the execution of the story was nowhere near its potential. Or maybe like I said, my expectations were too high. At the end of the day TDKR ties the Trilogy of in a nice neat bow, while not leaving the people of Gotham unprotected still managing to give Bruce Wayne the happy ending he deserved. It’s just a shame the film-makers didn’t give the same grace to the audience

Christopher Nolan is an Oscar worthy director, but certainly not off the back of this film. He and his team have been in Gotham for 10 years and have finally moved out, and in watching their final instalment you can’t help but think they couldn’t wait to pack up their stuff and get the hell out of there. I’m not saying they didn’t care, they just didn’t care enough.

Verdict: The Dark Knight Rises, but never soars as high as it's two predecesors.

Open Letter To Cameron: NHS Killer

OK, it's been a while since my last post from way back when. The infamous post where I ranted and raved about Tom Cruise going essentially nuts. (OK, I say "infamous" - maybe "un-famous", but hey, it's in the top ten Google searches...when you search for Stephen Paul Blanchard - which incidentally also gives details on how to by my first book "Getting Sync'd" - and pimped!) Hey Tom, good to see you back on an even keel! M:I-4 looks awesome by the way! Now I'm not suggesting my rant and rave changed what was going on with dear ol' Tom, and I don't expect my next rant to do any different, but I need to do this - and it shall be done in the following way.....

Dear Mr. David Cameron PM,

I have a question: exactly how old are you? I have to ask because your recent behaviour is more characteristic of a spoiled seven year old boy not wanting to do what the other kids in the playground have unanimously suggested, instead deciding to cover your ears with your grubby hands singing "la la la" at the top of your voice. I am of course referring to your ridiculous decision to hold discussions on the future of the NHS without the presence of any health-care professionals. To quote the hip modern day phrase: WTF? Why would you not consult organisations like the Royal College of Nursing, or the British Medical Association? These organisations are made up of professionals in the health care industry, people who have spent their lives in the very organisation you seem determined to destroy.

You're not a doctor Mr. Cameron, neither is your Health Secretary. I mean, is Mister Lansley still pissed at being mis-diagnosed with an ear infection which turned out to be a "minor stroke", and so trying to get his own back? Yes, the NHS makes mistakes. No organisation is perfect. You being the head of this coalition "Government" (for want of a better word) should know this. But do you know how important the NHS is to people? This service saved my wife, they took care of my daughter, they're currently looking after my uncle, and you know what? Considering the conditions that these people work in and the lack of respect they receive (almost demonising the doctors and nurses) they do an AMAZING job. The amount of people I speak to who belittle the health service until they actually use it, by which point deciding it's a brilliant service, is frankly amazing.

I have friends who are doctors and nurses. Close family. My wife is nearing the end of her GP training. All of these people do this job, not for the apparent power/long holidays/golfing trips/high pay (all of which, by the way, are complete misconceptions!) - they do it because they want to help. They spent years studying and honing their craft, knowing that one day their skills would be able to save people. The hardest thing in the world for them is having to give the bad news to relatives, but they carry on, because they have to. These people know exactly what they're talking about and what is needed to keep the NHS on an even keel, so again I ask: WTF? The only thing I find more confusing is the fact that "Hollyoaks" is still being made!

You are fortunate to have this job Mr. Cameron, in more ways than one. Remember that it was hardly the landslide victory I'm sure you'd wanted. The people didn't want you as PM, but we as voters had to work with what we were given. Like you and your cabinet; you have to work with the situations as they were left by their predecessors, and the NHS is struggling to do the same, so why are you not doing everything you can to help? Your sheer arrogance in not giving health organisations the opportunity to give their valued and experienced opinions, instead turning to your friends and cronies who care more about the money then the health of the very people you claim to be serving, makes you the political equivalent of an ostrich sticking your head in the sand. Just remember the more you leave your head down there the greater chance there is of you getting your rear end blown off by a shotgun.

Regards

Stephen Blanchard

OK, I don't expect that to solve anything. I'm no politician, and I sure as hell ain't a doctor. I see a needle and faint. It's just the sheer audacity of this pompous, arrogant little jizz-weasel has me absolutely fuming. Please pass this on if you agree. I'm hoping over time this cannibalisation of the NHS will fade in to obscurity like the "Big (Idiot) Society".

This is kinda funny, check it!

In other news, BUY MY BOOK!!!

About Getting Sync'd by Stephen Blanchard-fReado

About Getting Sync'd by Stephen Blanchard-fReado

Probably the best advertising campaign in the world??

I've been noticing this for a year or so now, Michael Jackson is getting a lot more attention and for all the right reasons - namely his music. Cast your minds back to the days when child molestation charges hung over him like a giant curry inspired fart - it felt like it was never going to go away. And because of the backlash, naturally mainstream audiences started switching off his tunes. Michael Jackson - the biggest superstar this world had ever known.

But now, he's getting played a lot more, especially his old stuff - stuff from Off The Wall and Thriller especially. On the radio, in practically every shop I go in to. And when I look around people are tapping their feet and miming to the words. It's brilliant.....namely 'cos I'm doing exactly the same!

So you look on the net and everyone's being inspired by the MJ. You remember the impact on Bollywood right?



And then there's the Philipino Prisoners...



These had been around for a while. But then in the Sun this week I saw this:



And with the latest from Rihanna...



...MJ is all over the place. Why?? Well, I suddenly realised it's the 25th Anniversary of the "Thiller" album, and sure enough it's being re-released, with some re-worked tracks from modern day artists like Will.I.Am, Neyo and Akon.

It can't be a coincidence, I know for a fact that there's a youtube competition going on for people to film their own re-enactments of Thriller which I'm assuming is going to be here. So that explain the tube thing! And that Rihanna tune did the same thing that Craig Davids "Hot Stuff" did - it made me t least appreciate the singer...although that's clearly always down to the sample. After all, we all know that Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" only sold the disks because of that Queen bassline.....sorry, but it's true!

It's a brilliant ad campaign, and it's a great time to be a fan of the man, knowing he's working and singing again, and seeing people concentrating on his talent rather than his private life. I just really hope things don't go south again!

PS. If you wanna hear some of the re-worked stuff head over to the new Michael Jackson MySpace!!

More on Ledger...

Possible sleeping pill overdose, inconclusive corroners report. Thoughts and feelings as you'd expect with the friends and family. Well, mostly...

I'm hearin' ya, it's STOOOOOOOOPID!! Would you like to know more? Check out the new podcast HERE!!

Heath Ledger's gone...

This is truly gutting!! I don't think anyone could have seen this one coming. He seemed a really down to earth guy, and a highly commited actor.

Found this on the BBC...kind of spooky when he says playing the Joker was the most fun he'd ever have.....



He leaves behind a 3 year old daughter. Hope she's gonna be ok!

I'm the reason they say White People Have No Rhythm...

Great night out in London on Saturday night, at a place called the Rivoli Ballroom for, would you believe it, Jive Dancing! That's right, The Blanch went Strictly Come Dancing Style with a group of friends and came out in one piece...other people's feet weren't so lucky mind! I always thought I had a good sense of rhythm, I play guitar, I...tap away on the steering wheel.....I - and I never thought I'd admit to this but doubtless there's some youtube footage somewhere - used to try and dance like Jacko. (Hey, don't judge me, I was young!!) Imagine my embarrasment then when the music started for the first lesson and anything even resembling hand/feet/eye co-ordination was systematically wiped out...by the Dormant Dad Gene! You've seen it at work before; at family weddings, parties or when the patriarch of the family has been cooking Christmas dinner fuelled only by wine or whisky! But here it was, alive and kicking - literally - during the lessons with completely random women, and later with my darling missus who next to me must have looked like J Lo's dance coreographer!

But I don't care what people think, and my embarasment threshold is higher than many, so I kept busting some moves. Fortunately/unfortunately (depending on your POV) there is no photographic/video evidence us tearing up the dance floor. The best example I can give you, is Chandler from Friends!!



Booya!!!

It's a top night out though, and well worth a trip to the Londonium! Check it out: http://www.jiveparty.com/